Beyond Tolerance to Tender-Heartedness

​A Reflection on the Second Reading for Sunday, August 11th, 2024:
​Nineteenth Sunday in Ordinary Time

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Ephesians
4.30–5.2

​Brothers and sisters: Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with which you were marked with a seal for the day of redemption. Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, and be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.
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Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children, and live in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

​Pause. Pray. Reflect.

“Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander … and be kind …, tender-hearted, forgiving….” 

“Easier said than done” was the expression that shot into my mind when I first read Saint Paul’s plea earlier this week. By the grace of God, I have since had time to think and learn.

That something is “easier said than done” is sometimes an excuse I use for not doing the thing in question, as if the thing to be done were too hard or too much to expect of me.

This reading calls me to repent of that, to stop doing what I have been doing, because I know now that it’s wrong, even harmful, for at least two reasons. The first reason is that forgiveness is what Jesus calls me to as His disciple. The second is that forgiveness is essential to my growth toward holiness and wholeness.

Living out the call to forgiveness can be a long haul, I find, especially when I have been profoundly wounded. It begins with the head knowledge that I should forgive the hurt; proceeds, over weeks and sometimes years, with a constant renewal of my commitment to the work of forgiving the hurt; and concludes with releasing the hurt from my active memory. 

Reading Saint Paul’s letter has revealed to me that sometimes I abandon the process of forgiveness before it is complete. Although it calls me to live in tender-heartedness, what I actually aim for is to live in tolerance, forgiving to the point where I am no longer crippled by my woundedness but giving up before I once again feel love towards the person who has hurt me. Saint Paul’s letter is calling me to finish what I started, to bring myself full circle, back into right relationship with that person.

The other reason for forgiveness, of course, is that forgiveness is good for the forgiver – and not just good but essential. I must complete my forgiveness, even for people who have died or whom I will never see again, because when I carry resentment and anger towards another it may or may not hurt them, but it most certainly hurts me.

An analogy comes to mind. Lack of forgiveness is like a blocked drain. Just as water is restricted in its ability to pass through a blocked drain, so is the love of God restricted in its ability to flow through me when my heart is blocked by unforgiveness.

I have become more keenly aware in recent months that God has blessed me with a particularly wonderful life. And, yet, I do not feel gratitude to the extent I should. Certainly it is there, but something is restricting its flow, and the words of Saint Paul have prompted me to consider whether incomplete forgiveness is the culprit. I must complete my forgiveness to clear the hurt, climb onto the cross with Christ and sacrifice the remnants of my unforgiveness and embrace Love and Mercy. Doing so is good for me, and He has given me an example. I must continue until it is finished.




Donna Davis

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