A Capable Wife

A Reflection on the First Reading for Sunday, November 19th, 2023:
Thirty-Third Sunday in Ordinary Time

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Proverbs
31.10-13, 16-18, 20, 26, 28-31

A capable wife, who can find her?
She is far more precious than jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.

She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
She girds herself with strength,
and makes her arms strong.
She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.

She opens her hand to the poor,
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

Her children rise up and call her happy;
her husband too, and he praises her:
“Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Give her a share in the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the city gates.

Pause. Pray. Reflect.

My first thought on reading these lines from Proverbs was, “I don’t know what makes a capable wife, but I sure hope I can be one.”

Well, actually, my real first thought was, “I can’t believe this is the scripture passage I’m supposed to be writing my reflection on! God, you’ve got to be kidding me.”

You see, I just got engaged last weekend. Then my fiancé (I can say that!) and I promptly both came down with COVID, putting the “in sickness and health” part of our future vows to the test immediately. And between the engagement and being sick, I completely forgot about writing my Ora reflection until I received our lovely editors’ extremely polite reminder email.

What a coincidence, eh?

When I read these words, my heart both swells with hope and seizes a little with worry about what I must strive for. I have been blessed by this relationship, where, for the first time, I have been called to truly consider and discern what it means to share my life and my heart with another person in this way. I have always been independent and, frankly, kind of selfish – an only child grown into a single woman. In the long years of my aloneness – I’m nearly 36 as I write this – I thought often about finding a good husband, and what might make a good husband. I recall many spirited discussions with friends about which of Jane Austen’s leading men would make the best husbands, but I never really thought about whether I might possess the traits that make a good wife. 

Sure, I hoped that I might have them, but partly I didn’t want to think too hard about any potential character deficiencies I might have (see: housecleaning), and partly I didn’t want to nurture a hope of falling in love and getting married that might never be fulfilled no matter how much I prayed.
Well, God has answered even my unspoken prayers.

I am slowly learning, at times painfully, and with much patience from my fiancé, that being together is better and harder than being alone. For me, being alone means putting my own needs first, staying within my comfort zone, refusing to acknowledge that I might be wrong. Being together with another means putting someone else’s needs first, honouring them, challenging myself to grow even when I want to stay the same, acknowledging when I’ve done wrong, and above all, listening rather than trying to make sure I’m heard. Tough lessons. I start to see why Elizabeth Bennet wasn’t so keen on Mr. Darcy at first, and why Emma Woodhouse was so upset with Mr. Knightley’s accurate admonitions.

I am learning that love is a gift that needs nurturing and tending, and that anything worth doing and having requires work. I am learning that, despite the secular world’s current focus on “self-care” and “loving yourself,” real love is living to bring goodness to others: love is giving; love is kindness; love is listening; love is other-focused. Love is not about me. Love is about choosing God, and recognizing God’s gift in this man before me, and doing him good, and trusting that he will do the same to me. (Reader, he does. He absolutely does.)

Yes, these words can make us women worry a little bit about measuring up. Or they can spur us to try, to hope, and to give. I am so early into this journey of togetherness; I am not yet a wife, not yet. But I can see myself returning to these lines from Proverbs again and again for years to come, seeking nourishment, guidance, and wisdom for how to be a capable wife.




Kim Tan

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