A Murderer's Confidence

A Reflection on the First Reading for Sunday, April 28th, 2024:
Fifth Sunday of Easter

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Acts
9.26-31
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​When Saul had come to Jerusalem, he attempted to join the disciples; and they were all afraid of him, for they did not believe that he was a disciple. But Barnabas took him, brought him to the Apostles, and described for them how on the road he had seen the Lord, who had spoken to him, and how in Damascus Saul had spoken boldly in the name of Jesus. So Saul went in and out among them in Jerusalem, speaking boldly in the name of the Lord. He spoke and argued with the Hellenists; but they were attempting to kill him. When the believers learned of it, they brought Saul down to Caesarea and sent him off to Tarsus.

Meanwhile the Church throughout Judea, Galilee, and Samaria had peace and was built up. Living in the fear of the Lord and in the comfort of the Holy Spirit, it increased in numbers.

Pause. Pray. Reflect.

If our faith were going to have a completely unforgivable sin, killing Christians would probably be top of the list. It’s no surprise to me that the disciples were scared of Saul. He was a Roman citizen, a person of considerable power. He was a Pharisee, a well-educated man trained in rhetoric and debate. And he loathed the new followers of Jesus who seemed to be popping up all over. He thought them guilty twice over – of blasphemy against Judaism and treason against the emperor – and he aided and rejoiced in their murders. And now he expects them to welcome him as he preaches the Gospel! 

I’ve recently spent a lot of time praying with many of Saint Paul’s letters, and what strikes me repeatedly is how audacious he is. Paul has no time for playing politics with the residents of Corinth, no patience for the Galatians and their internal debates – he has a Gospel to share and churches to build! This man writes to early churches (often full of people whose dear friends he killed) to scold them for their lukewarmness and petty squabbles. He declares himself blessed and sent by God with little care for whether the residents agree with his self-evaluation or want to receive him. He is defined by his sheer audacity. 

Here's why: Paul believes in the Good News. He is absolutely certain that all of his sins have been forgiven by God, that he is a new creation in Christ, that he and Saul are for all intents and purposes two entirely different people, and he feels no sorrow for or obligation to his past self. 
I rarely have that confidence. 

Do I believe? Yes, absolutely! And yet, imperfectly. I am haunted by past sins and especially by those that reoccur again and again. I compare myself to others who have been believers for longer or seem to be just better at the whole being a Christian thing – those who pray more, who read the Bible every year, who can actually remember to pray every day of a 54-day novena. And all too often, I listen to these voices whispering in my ear that say I’m not holy enough, not virtuous enough, that I have a long way to go before anyone should listen to what I have to say. 

Compare this to Saul, who converts to Christianity while on his way to murder Christians and is surprised when those same Christians don’t immediately house and feed him! Perhaps he truly had no fear. Or perhaps he was scared but believed that the Gospel was too important to let his feelings get in its way. Either way, I pray today that you and I might both have the audacious faith of Saint Paul – absolute conviction that God has forgiven us and absolute determination to let others know how good life is with Jesus in it. If God can work miracles through Saul, he can work miracles through any of us.



​Jenna Young

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