Seek First

​A Reflection on the Gospel for Sunday, September 10th, 2023:
​Twenty-Third Sunday in Ordinary Time 

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Matthew
18.15-20

​Jesus spoke to his disciples. “If your brother or sister sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If he or she listens to you, you have regained your brother or sister. But if the person does not listen, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If the person refuses to listen to them, tell it to the Church; and if that person refuses to listen even to the Church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

“Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, truly I tell you, if two of you agree on earth about anything you ask, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them.”

Pause. Pray. Reflect.

In this scripture, Jesus gives a very specific and clearly explained step-by-step plan for conflict in the Church. As flawed humans, it’s easy to gloss over the first part, “If your brother or sister sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone,” to get to the next step.  

Indeed, we are often very good at pointing out others’ faults (even in our heads) to get them to listen before we even take a breath to consider our part. Did I truly try to calmly understand their point of view or motivations? Did I pause to see if something else was going on in their lives that might have affected their actions?

Far too often, for me at least, the answer is no, or at least not with an open heart. 

Author Steven Covey's 1989 book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, quickly became an international bestseller and has now sold over 40 million copies. It resonates with readers largely due to his fresh “character ethic” approach over the typical “personality traits” approach of business and self-help books of the day. Habit #5 is this: “Seek first to understand; and then to be understood.” If you can tuck this habit in your pocket (and follow it) before a difficult conversation it can change – and even save – a relationship before the other steps are even needed. It is effective because it makes the “fault pointer-outer” effectively cool their jets and listen, really listen, to their brother or sister. Not pseudo-listen while coming up with responses or assumptions in their head, but do the difficult, patient work of asking for clarification or being vulnerable with the other person, owning misinterpretations along the way. The perceived sin of your brother or sister may not be a sin at all but your own assumption too quickly taken.

Saint Teresa of Avila offers a very wise insight in this regard: “Our souls may lose their peace, and even disturb other people’s if we are always criticizing trivial actions – which are often not real defects at all, but we construe them wrongly through our ignorance of their motives.”




​Patty Viscount

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