Soften Our Hearts

6/9/2023

A Reflection on the Psalm for Sunday, September 10th, 2023:
Twenty-Third Sunday in Ordinary Time

Psalm 95

R. O that today you would listen to the voice of the Lord. Do not harden your hearts!

O come, let us sing to the Lord. Let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation! Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving; let us make a joyful noise to him with songs of praise!

R. O that today you would listen to the voice of the Lord. Do not harden your hearts!

O come, let us worship and bow down, let us kneel before the Lord, our Maker! For he is our God, and we are the people of his pasture, and the sheep of his hand.

R. O that today you would listen to the voice of the Lord. Do not harden your hearts!

O that today you would listen to his voice! Do not harden your hearts, as at Meribah, as on the day at Massah in the wilderness, when your ancestors tested me, and put me to the proof, though they had seen my work.

R. O that today you would listen to the voice of the Lord. Do not harden your hearts!

Pause. Pray. Reflect.

About four years ago, I left Halifax for Toronto. The move wasn’t my choice – it was a necessity for my career. I remember being so lonely. I described leaving Halifax as feeling like my heart was a plant being ripped out of the ground by its roots. I left my friends, my music, and my community. One of my deepest wounds at the time was my belief that I would be alone forever – romantically alone, I mean. I was going on 31 years old, and as far as I was concerned, I would never know what it felt like to be loved, unlike every other woman I knew.

I remember being alone in my ugly, smelly basement studio apartment one night and picturing my heart as encased within prison bars. I knew very well that I had put those bars in place myself. I had done so because I thought that it would be better to put defences and walls around my heart than ever open myself to love.

But as I settled in the city and started to put down soft, hesitant roots, I began to realize that I needed to stay open to life’s possibilities and demands – to people, to connections, to career paths, to the chance that I would not be alone for the rest of my life. I remember praying desperately to You to break down my walls and bend back those bars (apparently I’d done such a good job putting them up that I didn’t know how to take them down myself). I had thought I was defending myself from heartbreak and pain caused by others, but in reality, I was closing myself to Your love. I was hardening my heart to You.

I knew, deep down, that to open myself to Your love meant to grow and change irrevocably. That to follow where You led meant saying yes to love, but also to suffering. I was afraid that if I was open to Your love, You’d ask me to give more than I wanted to. So, at times in my life, I’ve closed my ears to Your voice, rather than listen. I’ve cried alone rather than being patient and trusting that You would always be my shepherd.

Lord, eventually You brought me back to the ocean and made it clear that You were listening to my prayers. And You answered them, very clearly, in Your own good time. You let me build up my walls each time I got hurt or felt hopeless, and You waited patiently until I was ready for You to take them down. And how did You bring them down? You sent someone who has no trouble hefting the weight of a sledgehammer yet wields it with the lightest and most loving of touches to show me that yes, You love me; and yes, I am loved.

Continue to remind me to listen for Your voice and to trust in Your time. Let Your voice carry through whenever I try to put up walls, and soften my heart, that I might receive Your love and sing to You.

Kim Tan

11 Comments

Lori

6/9/2023 06:37:53 am

So much of what you’ve said resonates for me, Kim. The temptation to self-protect when my heart is at risk is a strong one. May our hearts remain open to God and the ache of the agony of Love. ♥️

KIM

10/9/2023 09:36:52 am

It really is, Lori -- such a strong temptation. Definitely hard to stay open! Praying for all of us to do that!

Becca

7/9/2023 03:33:36 pm

This makes me think of the song “Hello, My Old Heart” by The Oh Hellos, which is in turn based on a CS Lewis quote:
“ To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.“

Thank you for sharing Kim 💕

Lisa

9/9/2023 06:20:23 am

Becca, thank you so much for sharing this quote. How profound!

Kim

10/9/2023 09:38:10 am

Yes, thank you so much for sharing this Becca!! I had definitely read this quote several years ago and I know that C.S. Lewis's image affected me deeply. That's probably where I got my own idea of the locked away heart. In fact I'm pretty sure I read Lewis's words and thought to myself, 'Yep, that sounds fine' (ironically).

Rebecca

7/9/2023 07:04:14 pm

Kim, this is one of your most beautiful reflections. Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing your blessings. Your faith gives me hope. I love you, friend. May God continue to shower his blessings on you. :)

10/9/2023 09:38:30 am

Thank you Rebecca <3 Love you too! Praying always for you!

Aurea

8/9/2023 10:51:10 am

Kim! This is beautiful...and resonates so clearly with me. Funny how we so easily put up the bars around our hearts - and quickly forget that we have the ability to take them down too. Just me? Thank goodness God has that sledgehammer...that He also lends to us if we're willing to take a swing! Thank you Kim for opening your heart to us!

10/9/2023 10:07:39 am

Thank you Aurea! It's so true...so easy to do and so quick to forget! It's hard to keep in the forefront of our minds that God can take down all walls!

9/9/2023 06:18:31 am

Kim, thank you so much for this vulnerable reflection. I know the ache of not having a romantic partner. You are not alone, sister. This really speaks to me:
“You let me build up my walls each time I got hurt or felt hopeless, and You waited patiently until I was ready for You to take them down.”
God is so gentle and patient with us and He never tires of picking us back up after we’ve fallen.

10/9/2023 10:14:33 am

Thank you Lisa! It is definitely a very real and painful ache...praying for you. God IS so gentle with us and he's always there to catch us and hold us when we fall.