Spirit Enter In

A Reflection on the Psalm for May 28th, 2023:
​Pentecost Sunday

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Psalm 104

R. Lord, send forth your Spirit, and renew the face of the earth.

Bless the Lord, O my soul.
O Lord my God, you are very great.
O Lord, how manifold are your works!
The earth is full of your creatures.

R. Lord, send forth your Spirit, and renew the face of the earth.

When you take away their breath,
they die and return to their dust.
When you send forth your spirit, they are created;
and you renew the face of the earth.

R. Lord, send forth your Spirit, and renew the face of the earth.

May the glory of the Lord endure forever;
may the Lord rejoice in his works.
May my meditation be pleasing to him,
for I rejoice in the Lord. 
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R. Lord, send forth your Spirit, and renew the face of the earth.

This week, it’s hard to feel great about God. Maybe it’s my mood, or stress from work; maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been grappling with great big questions about faith and the Church and identity and vocation. In any case, I’m definitely writing from a place of needing renewal from the Spirit.

When I feel like this, I usually turn to music as solace. One of the balms of the last few years has been a playlist of praise and worship music that I started building in late 2021. I’ve listened to it pretty much continuously ever since. It’s my running playlist, my cooking playlist, my commuting playlist, my spiritual solace. (It’s 10 hours long, and counting.)

The funny thing is, I used to hate praise and worship music. I would cringe every time I heard it played at church with electric guitars and drums and electric bass. As a fervent fan of secular pop, rock, alternative, and indie – and as a songwriter and musician myself – all I could think was: Why are they singing this style of music so firmly entwined with the secular, the sexual, the unsacred, here in this most sacred and reverent of places? It felt unimaginable to me that one could sing about Jesus in a song that, melodically and structurally, felt no different than a song about lust or broken hearts.

But there was another reason, maybe more important than my snobby musical and moral indignation. The fact was that any time I went into a church and heard praise and worship music, I would begin to weep. Uncontrollably. In confusion. Not understanding why. Because what I hated even more than this music was the feeling of not being in control of my own emotions, of being flooded, of being overwhelmed.

A friend explained to me that I was crying because of the Holy Spirit. I didn’t fully buy her reasoning at the time, and I still don’t. There’s a big part of me that clings to control and being in charge of my feelings even now. I’m still not ready to surrender.

But I’m learning that this is the way of the Holy Spirit.

To flood.

To rush in.

To overwhelm, to take charge, to sweep you off your feet, to roar, to blaze, to move like a hurricane and a gale and to cleanse and change everything in its wake.

This holy fire, this holy breath, leaves nothing untouched, no heart unmoved. And in its force, it can be terrifying. What human can stand before this force and not tremble? (Probably only Mary, the Immaculate Conception.)

Renewal isn’t a quiet, delicate process. Renewal is fire and weeping and holy awe and change.

Renewal is holy breath, holy tongues of flame, the rush of a violent wind finding the cracks in your broken heart and pushing in, seeking to scour out the hurt and pour in the salve of love. To be filled with this love means to surrender, to give up trying to hold the edges of these cracks in your heart together and to welcome God in and to weep and be held.

Suffice to say my attitude towards praise and worship has changed. I still weep. And I’m still struggling, I’m still not all the way there yet – I find it hard to hold open my hands, palms upturned – my body wants to remain closed, afraid of what the Spirit can and will do with my heart when it enters in.

So let me be open, Lord. Let me be open to your love, your greatness. Come and renew me. Send your Spirit to rest on me and find a way in through the broken places, that I may glory in your love. 

Holy Spirit, come.




Kim Tan

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