The Capable Wife

A Reflection on the First Reading for November 15th, 2020: 
Thirty-Third Sunday in Ordinary Time

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Proverbs
31.10-13, 16-18, 20, 26, 28-31

A capable wife, who can find her?
She is far more precious than jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.

She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
She girds herself with strength,
and makes her arms strong.
She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.

She opens her hand to the poor,
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

Her children rise up and call her happy;
her husband too, and he praises her:
“Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Give her a share in the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the city gates.

Pause. Pray.

And then read more...

I’ll be honest, upon first reading, this text made my hackles rise. First, the suggestion that a capable wife is hard to find. Then, an itemized list of the impossible standards to which women are held. I was nauseated by this perfect wife who does everything right.

But when I dug a little deeper, I realized that perhaps the reason for my anger is that these words poked something sharp into some of my deepest insecurity. Am I a capable wife? Do my children call me happy? Am I strong and fruitful?  

As I persevered in prayer and reflection, a sense of the deep peace behind this proverbial woman’s incredible capacity reached my heart. She is not rising to the challenges of impossible beauty standards or an unreasonable level of achievement imposed on her by society; she is responding to God’s love and wisdom, and the fruit of her devotion to Him is what has become evident in her life. The moral of the story: it matters from where our motivation comes.

Early in my marriage, my expectations of what it meant to be a good wife and mother were dictated by my understanding of a society where the ideal scenario is that a woman’s marriage is blissful, her career provides room for upward movement and significant financial gain, her beautiful and clean house reflects her success, and she has more than ample time and energy to cheerfully take care of her happy children. 

It took quite a few years, but despite all my effort, it became clear that this was indeed not the case, and I allowed my heart to be led into places from which very little strength or peace arose. On the contrary; all that came of it was anger which originated in self-righteousness and fear, which quickly became part of a vicious cycle of shame and insecurity, from which more anger bubbled up. “Other people seem to be able to do this,” I thought.

Now, having been through great trials, I am often still far off, but I’m getting closer to the place where this wife of the Proverbs lives. The reason for this shift is that I came to understand that these ideals are fabricated by a society that values appearances and status over the state of one’s heart. Society doesn’t care about my heart. Nor does society encourage me to love sacrificially. But this is where strength and wisdom lie; in the heart of God, the place of love from which tremendous peace and capability come.




​Lindsay Elford
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