Turning To You

A Reflection on the Gospel for June 19th , 2022
The Solemnity of The Most Holy Body and Blood of Christ

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Luke
9.11b-17

Jesus spoke to the crowds about the kingdom of God, and healed those who needed to be cured.

The day was drawing to a close, and the twelve came to him and said, “Send the crowd away, so that they may go into the surrounding villages and countryside, to lodge and get provisions; for we are here in a deserted place.”

But Jesus said to them, “You give them something to eat.” They said, “We have no more than five loaves and two fish — unless we are to go and buy food for all these people.” For there were about five thousand men.

And Jesus said to his disciples, “Make the people sit down in groups of about fifty each.” They did so and made them all sit down.

And taking the five loaves and the two fish, he looked up to heaven, and blessed and broke them, and gave them to the disciples to set before the crowd.

And all ate and were filled. What was left over was gathered up, twelve baskets of broken pieces.
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Jesus, today this story of the loaves and fishes makes me think of all the times I’ve tried to do everything myself. Too many times, I’ve tried to go it alone, resisted help, said, “No, I’ve got this” — even when I didn’t. I always end up hitting a point where I feel like I have nothing left to give and don’t know what to do, and that’s when I start saying no and turning people away — just as the Disciples said they’d have to send the crowds away.
    
I think You’re telling me that I don’t have to go it alone. That I’m not actually meant to be 100% self-sufficient. That when I’m feeling spent, exhausted, and overwhelmed…instead of turning people away, I should be turning to You.
    
Sometimes, You have to work really hard to persuade me to trust that You will provide. The Disciples complained when You told them to feed the crowd: “We have no more than five loaves and two fish — unless we are to go and buy food for all these people.” They sound just like I do: “You want me to do what?? But I’m too busy! I don’t have time to take on another commitment! I’m too tired. Make it all go away.” Luke doesn’t say, but I bet the Disciples grumbled when they had to organize the crowd into groups. I would have been grumpy. Tired and hungry, too, thinking about how I probably wouldn’t even get a crust of bread at the rate we were going.
    
And then You worked a miracle. Grumpiness gave way to disbelief, to wonder. Empty stomachs were filled. You even made enough food for leftovers. The foreshadowing isn’t lost on me: this breaking of the bread that prefigures the Last Supper, and the abundance that is to come after Your death and Resurrection. The Disciples were focused on the practical little details. You, of course, knew the big picture. 
    
I cannot feed everyone. That is a fact. Nor, I think, am I supposed to. I still don’t know how much giving is enough; when to step back and ask for Your help. My willingness to give becomes arrogance when I assume I don’t need Your help, or when I say yes to every request without considering whether I can support that “yes” with a wholehearted gift of time, energy, material, and self. When I think I can do everything myself, the reality of not being able to meet my own expectations makes me feel like a failure, and I want to hide or turn others away.
    
But that is when I need to turn to You, Jesus, and ask for Your help. It’s hard for me to trust that You will take care of everything, especially when I’m tired and afraid of disappointing others. Sometimes, this may indeed mean saying, “No, I’m sorry,” and letting someone else tend to the crowd. Other days, I’ll say, “Yes, I can do that!” and ask You to provide, through me, abundantly — to use my hands as Your hands, my voice as Your voice. 
    
You don’t want me to send the crowd away. You want me to let them stay, the same way You stay with me, always. You ask only that I trust.




​Kim Tan
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